^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
I love you
You know me
Let's call this
Inconstancy...
^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^

Self-worth? by =Han=
I Am Undefined.
I am... selfish.
I am... vulnerable.
I am... stubborn.
I am... original.
I won't be told what to do.
I won't gossip.
I am... inevitably...ME!

EvAlUtIoN
or
PoSt I-JuSt-ScReWeD-My-MaThS-PaPeR-CuM-I-DoN't-KnOw-HoW-ThE-HeLl-To-DeScRiBe-ThIs-EmOtIoN SyNdRoMe
by .:ning:.

An individual's psyche never quite stays the same. The Multiple Personality Ripples theory is a good way to summarize it (stole idea from Norma Fox Mazer, sorry)... bobbing between optimism and pessimism, fatalism and I-can-change-the-world-ism, etc. Mixed emotions can attack a person all at once and you realise they can't really be defined (kind of like determining social factors, political factors or socio-political factors, to quote ol' Fifi Tan). I experience this every time I step into school for any period of time (be it short or long run). Maybe it's just an ingrained fear of change that one unconsciously tries to get past - but why, anyway? So that people, events, things... hurt you less. Does it work? Sometimes. It helped when tucking SC away in earlier pages of my diary to move on to something new. Always the "things have to change" mindset that makes a person apparently Responsible and Mature. But it helps less and less when I realise I drink in every second of life as it passes by to remember in waking dreams. Every miniscule detail is precious - be it the socks I wore or how the sunlight-fused air smelt. The weather, the mood - or anything at all.
It's unfortunate that pain also comes along with the whole package.
Kodak moment - in New Zealand last year at a bungee jumping site. The wind was whipping everyone's hats off and pulling the temperature steadily downwards - so cold my fingers were ready to drop off the moment they defrosted. My mum insisted on buying gloves at the little shop next to the bridge those extremists were paying to jump off of, although we were gonna be at that place for like, fifteen minutes tops? Always a backup plan, no matter the cost. Han and I preferred the stick-hands-in-coat-pockets-the-whole-time idea, but surrended. (Okay, contradictory to the previous entry, my mum IS persuasive when she wants to be, either that or you just gotta AGREE or you'd never hear the end of it.) I was fascinated (and horrified, I admit) to see how each customer dangled uselessly in mid-air, suspended over this huge expanse of water (the lake under the bridge... obviously) after completing each death-defying jump, like a Munchkin on the end of a taut rubber band. How he or she had to hang upside-down until the team managed to position their boat just underneath and unbuckle them.
This kid in my tour group - he was around twelve, maybe - wanted to give it a shot, no questions asked.
How would you feel, treading on that barrier between the laytie and transcending sphere? Or do you believe it's invisible?
Maybe that's my problem - it's always been too clearly marked out. "Don't step there." "Don't do that." "Don't touch it - you'll die a thousand deaths." Yet the valiant only taste of death but once. (Yes, Julius Caesar.) That would certainly explain the friggin' reef knot tying and untying itself somewhere in my stomach every time a Ripple sets changes in motion.
I need to remember to dance... and dance whenever the music plays, but to stop... when it stops. That being said, has this set of feet completed even one song yet?
Unattainably... the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
That being said, Sloman, Tarling and Shakespeare await.

SmElLing ThE RoSeS. by .:ning:.

Dinner-time. I think my mum is absymally bad at the art of persuasion. Over nian gao with sliced cabbage and pork, she tries to coax us to eat the chicken legs. "Zhen hao chi," she says, chomping vigorously on the once-claws. "Hai neng ba na xie xiao gu tou yi ge ge tu chu lai." All ready to give a ready demonstration ("ni kan!") and waiting for the EPIPHANY and JOY of chewing on chicken toes to dawn upon her daughters.
I'm not convinced. But I bite my tongue and try not to laugh. Or have I stopped doing that already? Yes... then take a grape, stare down the insipid mail-order catalogue fairy-girl statue eavesdropping from between the potted plants outside. Have the usual argument about going to Macs to study ('cos she never believes we actually do that) but we know it's a stalemate no matter who wins.

Sick of studying even though I've barely done any of that. Sick of doing nothing but studying. Can't wait to get out of this cycle of M.I, Linear Momentum and Decreasing Returns to Scale. ARGHHH. At least there's only one more week...
Gotta get back to Maths now, or I'll be even more behind time than I already am.

=han=
keep on dancing in the moonlight... but don't get carried away

Server was down all day. But perhaps that was a good thing - I'm getting permanently glued to the computer and just decided that blogging is highly addictive. Maybe I should impose a severe censorship on myself and stop blogging on the Internet till after the common tests. Righhht. If my self-discipline was that good I'd be studying right now. Anyway decided to drop in and display the banners I just made this morning when moodily mooning over the unattainable Internet. One's up there *points* and here's another:



It's a silent night, all is dark outside... but it's really not the time to write a song about it or whatnot. I hate saying that, but it's what I gotta do... later.

.:ning:.

Yawn. So it's my first entry. Been trying to study AP and GP PROPERLY for once and to no avail... will probably forget all of it by tomorrow. 'Kay... will attempt to spruce up this place a little bit and add some drawings and stuff. As you will soon see, I am much more poorly endowned in language and artiness than my other half. Heyyyyyy, I'm a science student! *sheepish grin* ok. stereotypes are lousy excuses. Anyway. Not in much mood to ponder about the intricacies of life tonight. Gonna junk my maths notes, put my nose in Harry Potter and the Order of The Phoenix and go to bed. Hooray.

=han=

You can call me anything you want
Maybe life's been handed to me
On a silver platter
So I'm a little more nasty to your heart
Than you are used to with
My babbling chatter
I know I am wrong and
Several cracks there are
On the dish I've set out
You can say I haven't tried
To patch up all the scars
Never thought about
Going all that far...

But I have, and continually trip
To send the plates a-flying
Catastrophic smashing
And once you've touched noses
With the ground so many times
You can get used to crawling

Then people think you're laughing

Morning! Man I SUCK at blog-building. Must remember to figure out how to a) put that camera pic as a background b) put up links c) get a tagboard. And do something about the hideous fonts. OKAY FINE call me materialistic or fussy or whatever; but it's really painful on the eyes. But orange is good. Kind of fits in with the sound_apple idea, whatever that means. As it is I gotta go study a.p.g.p and summation now since my study timetable is completely glitched up. OG-mate's birthday party is tonight; but xiu xiang can go. I am on self-imposed study quarantine; not like I'm actually living up to the noble gesture. Anyway. Han is at school having SATs lessons or something - will try to get her to blog later and stop relying on me to keep up the monotonous rambling.

.:ning:.

Starting a blog! Starting a blog! Bloggg mania... and I have no idea why. Maybe it's just an innate desire to spill my guts creatively (eww, what an image) on a joint basis. Yes, I am not the only author here (thankfully -- han) ... this be ning and I'm a twin. We're twins. And we're double trouble *evil cackle*... nah, actually plenty harmless girls with plenty to learn, which is the whole POINT of this blog... right? Which means for once in our lives... we're in charge. Start the rules. Now. Okay dictator time! WE HEREBY BAN OBSESSION WITH COLOUR OR ANY MINDLESS GIRLY MOTIFS, BUTTERFLIES AND HEARTS INCLUDED, OR ANYTHING REMOTELY RELATED TO FOLLOWING THE TREND OF CONVENTIONALITY, UNLESS IT BE SOMETHING WE OURSELVES AGREE WITH.
So be warned. *Slap from annoyed fellow females* Sorry.

.:ning:.