Went to sleep at 3am last night (or last morning), then woke up at 5 to complete to finish my SEA history essay. What a disaster. I think I floated through most of the day and lost conscious (i.e. nodded off) during a) maths b) econs tutorial and c) guitar sectionals. My SL was so horrified she sent me home. I think she thought I was terribly ill and stressed and going to keel over with overwork, etc. HAHA. Easy to pretend to be so noble, I'm sure, but hell, I don't do anything. The reason why I gotta go to sleep so late is that I waste a lot of time. Mystery solved.
I feel like I need a boxing bag for my birthday. Or maybe a sturdier pillow.
Problem: I don't believe in avoiding confrontations or assumptions. But the rest of the world does... why can't they say it? And just gimme a break already? I hate games, those insipidly conventional little round-the-bush traipsing.
I'm growing plastic expressions again.
I realized that I do not like most people the way most individuals my age say they do. I just try VERY VERY hard to. Then I don't even know why 'cos it's not like the opposite party would give a shit about your efforts.
My mood is atrocious today. No apparent reason. Gimme a Mars bar and some sleep. I'll see you in the morning.
.:ning:.
P.S. Torn between your sister's band concert and the long-anticipated drama feste. Let circumstances decide! No longer strong enough to make "moral" decisions, like it's so momentous.
P.P.S. Han as of today officially withdraws from Stupid Shades of Grey for her private venture located thus. So SSG is now a sole proprietorship, in case you are a stickler for details.

GP philosophy: questions on existence
Why are there no purple hamsters? (Angelina)
Why does Zihao exist? (Chun Wee)
Who is Adam King? (Mark)
I love my class.
.:ning:.

Think
It's so funny being both massively happy and sad for a person at the same time, don't you think?
It'll have to do, though...

ThE YeLlOw RiBbOn by .:ning:.

What is goin' wrong in this world that we livin' in
People keep on givin' in...
- Black-eyed Pea feat. J. Timberlake

I'm home two hours early today and just couldn't stop eating. I demolished half a tin of cookies before I even realised what had vanished before my eyes. And it's not like I've been starved or something. I just feel really frustrated about things that happened that I never had a possibility of changing, and the biscuits bear the brunt of it. Pardon the feeble humour.
As it turns out half the world already knows. I got into the car and my mum was all on about our dear Hwa Chong peers already buzzing with the news, as she had heard from a neighbour. How is RJ gonna keep this low-key? It'll be on the front page of a certain sensationalistic newspaper tomorrow, I'll wager.
While I sit here frustrated about a J2 councillor I never knew, who took her own life last night.
It was terrible in school. The air was completely still, everything subdued, no one going to classes. Teachers trying to say the right thing (how I would hate to be a teacher). And while I felt it was completely insensitive to act sad when I would never know her, it was also incongruous to do anything but be supportive. Where we could, which wasn't much. This is not my first experience of losing a schoolmate - my Sec. 3 classmate passed away very suddenly from a serious heart problem, and it's all deja vu going through these motions. Counselling, aftermath, etcetra.
I DO NOT MEAN to undermine this event. In fact I wish something more productive could be done. Surely there's something else besides, inevitably, acting like a double plastic puppet. To learn and recognise the pain and not ignore it - always remember it. Always.
While the school grieves, I anger. I fume about the fact that they have to grieve. I don't understand why this came with no one seeing it, not blaming anyone, and how easy it is to let someone fall off the edge, and how I'm probably doing the same right about now...
Everything I felt these few days seems put on emergency mode now because I know I have to do them, no matter how unpleasant, never to let cowardice get in the way. I have to tell people where they have been hurting me. I have to realise I may be hurting them. And I can't believe I let my easily-built prejudices stand in my way. We have to stick together and forget what dopey misunderstandings we might have had (when it could really be just me).
Look at every person in the eye and know they are precious.
Never give in, I know I won't, but also to never let others give in either.

I really, really, really shouldn't be here. But somehow it is necessary.
I won't have time to be write a nice, long, eloquent, well-balanced entry today, but I just feel like there's an ice cube sitting somewhere on the bottom of my stomach. It doesn't melt. (These images are grossly inappropriate and will have to stop but I'm leaving them there for the time being.) Instead I will be specific for once.
There's some odd strain in my class, I feel. Barriers that were never there, secrets, civil strife. (Overly dramatic, I admit, but what can I say but the truth?) It's not just one person or a group of people. And I don't even know how it started. While it isn't as bad as I put it, it does affect the general atmosphere. Slowly. Maybe the whole Survivor-I-gotta-put-up-with-you-or-shun-you mentality is catching up with us.
Anyway, I'm sure I don't have to go into details?
I would have put this on the class blog but recently it refuses to display more recent posts so I don't trust it. If anyone thinks I am overreacting or being a general idiot please drop a tag. I implore you not to pretend you didn't read this or (ouch) be anonymous.
I'll probably read this tomorrow and say what the hell was I thinking? But for today... this is me.
.:ning:.
P.S. *I interrupt this programme with an important message: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEL! We'll call ya tomorrow...*

JaDeD by .:ning:.

Hey jjjaded
In all its misery, it will always be what I loved
And hated, and maybe take a ride to the other side we're thinking of...
I've been thinking about you, my baby blue
I'm so jaded
And baby I'm afraid of you
You're thinking so complicated , I've had it all up to here
but it's so overrated, love and hate it, wouldn't trade it - love me jaded
- Aerosmith

No prizes for guessing the name of this post. Oh yeah, I wrote it up there. Duhhh. I spout the most supremely obvious things.
I could sit at my desk admiring my beautifully-written up list of Things To Do on name stationery, or revel in my misbehaviour of failing common test while still making merry during assignment-empty weekends over roti prata with my Sunday school teacher. Or laugh at the blasphemously funny antics of an acquaintance. I'm rolling on the ground with mirth, having fun. I'm perched at the corner of the stairwell examining the ceiling 'cos I gotta examine it from every angle. I keep on being surprised. (Pleasantly so, good, nastily so, at least I've seen it.) Can't be a bad thing, right?
Wrong.
I'm j-j-j-jaded, and it ain't amusing. Seeing the same old habit from a buddy, I blink and remain calmly unassuming. Is that how I explain everything away? 'Cos that's the way it is? At the same time jaded can be measured as experience. Which is not always a bad thing. After reading out a self-penned, untried poem to a the skeptic APM crowd while shaking in my blister-inducing shoes, being one of the guitar ensemble in our first public performance was like, nada. (Then again, maybe I was too relaxed and was all ready to trip over the music stand before Yu-Hsin bowed, have a few noisy accidents concerning my guitar and Sarah's scores, etc, etc.)
However, while treading on the thin line between religious faith and logic, I'm caught in a bind. I could argue heatedly with the rest of the world for the rest of my life, or remain comfortably apathetic and stick "whateva" / "ignorance is bliss" pins all over my schoolbag. How many times do I just drift through events because they are routine? Float like a little rock in a fast-moving, impatiently squabbling creek. Even as I type this, I know 365 days from now I'll be reading this, perhaps smacking my head in frustration/embarrassment, yelling "Why didn't I DO ____" or "I really should have ____" while at the same time realising I was perhaps powerless to stop it.
Sometimes I wonder why I care so much. But the time to start is now.
P.S. I just realised those lyrics are quite irrelevant to my rant. Oh well. Maybe they'll be relevant to someone else...

I have a sore throat. Me tomorrow...
"*cough* my poem is about *wheeze* this contrived Marisot *long pause* painting..."
Even all that nice soothing ice-cream at Haagen Dazs (spelling error? Please tell me if there is) didn't help. Maybe we shouldn't have ordered all those toppings (cookie crunch, chocolate sauce and bananas) as well. Ah it was fun while it lasted. Oh the indulgence of the moment that cannot be ultimately fulfilled! Oh like I know what I'm talking about!
I look ridiculous in my blazer. The shoulders are monstrously wide. There should be a mirror in the welfare room so councillors don't get away with renting out inferior goods.
Barriers spring up like nobody's business where you don't want them. They're always there to trip over. (Which I do very often - literally and figuratively). But after you get up - maybe you learn something new. *Rubs invisible bruises*
If we have to play touch rugby for PE next week I will give up the whole morality thing I always permeate and just - disappear. In plainer terms - PON. It is a STUPID GAME and I would even rather play VOLLEYBALL than that form-a-line-and-heave-the-ball excuse for a sport.
Sometimes I like doing homework. It is so uncomplicatedly obvious to tackle, not tackle or bemoan. Not like people. Maybe I'll give up the journalism idea and opt for a lighthouse with plenty of reading material. (Stolen again from Robin Klein.)
A pleasantly painful day with many layers I absorbed composedly... and yet it is all so unexpected.
.:ning:.

RaNdOm RaMbLe by .:ning:.
There's a really cute puppy on Winter Sonata that is so incredibly cuddle-worthy! Imagine needing to wear a sweater and scarf to the beach. It must be a gorgeous feeling. Yeah, that's probably the only that-meant-something-to-me scene in the whole damned VCD collection.
What possessed my mum to watch weepy Korean dramas, anyway?
My CWC teacher-in-charge is in trouble, for uh, something that was video-taped. I thought it was extremely tactless to put those screen caps in the newspapers. SO OBVIOUS who it was. My fellow members are gonna have a field day tomorrow - she is really no match for those bloodthirsty J2s. *sinister chuckle* Not like there's any love lost between us - I'm not sure if she's got my name right yet. But can you imagine the embarrassment? Ouch.
Just sat semi-consciously waiting for my turn at Chinese oral (with Daniel out cold on my left and Justin snoring on my right) trying to strike a balance between being relaxed-to-horizontal-mode and nail-chewing-nervousness. I nailed it. Oral's in the bag! I rule! (Why oh why is Chinese like my best subject now? What happened to me?)
I sense a turning point. I no longer despise changes. They are invigorating. But that's unfair 'cos this time I'm only a semi-bystander who can watch with all passiveness... as if it's some cruel kind of entertainment. As usual I don't care... don't know if I should while being fully aware I shouldn't.
I've learnt my lesson.
There is crayfish spaghetti for dinner tonight. I eat like a queen.
My mum spent like ten minutes on the phone telling my brother the end of the world has come because he comes home at 2am like every night. My brother is almost 20 years old. My mum can sometimes be very twilight-zone-ish. Infurating maybe, but how unfair can that get?
She tries, she tries, she tries, I try too... maybe not enough.
Yet it was a beautiful day. No homework. A resolution to yi lao yong yi. Early dismissal, and gaudy pink bougainvillaeas outside my window.

Yes, shameless self-promotion. Very bad grammar (intentionally).
But a lot of fun as well ;) .:ning:.

Eloquent BG Conversation in the Canteen
© 5/1/03

Forget it make it work no let go
Try and try and cry no, lie
Blah blah blah I can’t hear you know
Why won’t the words come?
Just make the sacrifice of pride
For someone as small and scared
As me oh no her or him maybe...

I think I’ve grown up no I haven’t yet
No I’m fine go on if you like
No time, I want you to... go, and that’s that
I want the doughnut on the left-hand side
Ha ha ha very funny *roll eyes*
Yes Leo DiCaprio’s no big deal I don’t care
Come and sit here, no that’s not fair

Smile and smile feel so bo chap
Physics very boring no I like it
Why do you like her and... oh it’s just luck
Don’t so lovestruck, makes us feel sick
You always lose so do the forfeit
Like you? Sure I’ve got better things to do
Zai bie jian xue xiao you mei you du shu?

Why you so rude to a girl no manners
I don’t talk to you already
I really really really didn’t mean that
It’s not funny I’m telling you shut up
Wait, wait, wait I want to tell you
Don’t get angry please I
Come back! Come back…

I hate Jeanette Aw on Holland V. She is such an embarrassment to females.
Irrelevance. I guess. In the midst of close to flunking Physics (I got a brilliant E) I wonder what my grades are going to be? I foresee many Fs in my combination, while Ning claims she's going to get OOOO. To tell the truth I think I deserve such grades... have definitely NOT been working to my full potential, out of pure apathy. And I think everyone's going to hate Tarzan and Wiley Coyote vehemently from now on (why do Physics teachers have such sadistic senses of humour?). Had to cancel dinner with Wen and Ning and I'm still pretty pissed about it... *mutters rudely* what with increasing piles of homework as a result of the disastrous common tests (being told by a disgusted Econs lecturer that our year's common test was the worst he had ever marked in his history of teaching), Funtasia@NJC (of which there is definitely room for improvement for the ticket sales) and band concert all around the same month, just hope that I'll be able to breathe.
Ning's symbol about "getting used to crawling"... just hope I'll be able to get my knees off the ground, and walk. Even if there is the risk of falling down. For once, to just get out of my comfort zone of mediocrity.
=han=

OnE SuCcEsS, OnE FaIlUrE and TwO SlAcK DaYs by .:ning:.
I look back on two awesome school days that are first-class in terms of just what I go to school forrrr. (Much more sensible then Busted's reasons, I'm sure.) What happened? What happened?? Just a little bit of this and that... although it partly does add up to the fact that I'll probably be unable to update this blog so regularly anymore. Live and learn...
Tuesday morning - sitting slouching sleepily in the canteen as usual when Jie Qi spotted my name on that school-announcement-message TV thingie and to my utmost surprise, there you have it, I got into CAP, to be held in November this year.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! *Mental cartwheels*
So after all the creative juices, brainlocks, consecutive rejections and uncertainty, I MADE IT. What I write does count for something. And I thank God for that obstinate, semi-violent streak that overshadowed pride this one time and won. Now I just want go back to SC and thank my English teacher who never thought my ideas were stupid.
The day was, unsurprisingly, ridden void of Mr. Loh's lessons and my never-miss-an-opportunity-to-indulge class lightheartedly skipped (okay, walked, but figuratively, skipped) to Secret Recipe followed by Delifrance to eat and enjoy. Then we decided, on the spur of the moment, to drop by Gen's house (so niiicely located near school). Bounced on her bed, ate watermelon and discussed our favourite children's books. I still can't decide on the aptness of Enid Blyton for my kids and at what age I will let them peruse Harry. And I borrowed three nice volumes for myself from Gen's extensive library *smug grin*.
Had to head back to school for CWC... as it turns out I'm to be in three places at once for the Lit Feste. How am I supposed to read poetry, usher guests and perform with the guitar folks at the same time? As an aside, it'll be our first public performance, and man, it's gonna be... something. Haha.
An interval, meaning night, intruded, in which I pored over The War of the Worlds albeit unwillingly, ate dinner while having the usual good-or-bad day debate with Han.
Then the next day. I anticipated it with interest, considering the fact that three-quarters of the class would be away being involved in RMUN. I abstained not without a wish to see the faces of my teachers on the realisation of a sadly reduced-in-number class. But not before we got back our maths results in which I failed miserably. And I mean miserably.
What are the textbook after-effects of a spectecular flunk? The I'm Stupid Syndrome, or perhaps the I'm Not Gonna Give A Damn Any Longer Phase? Nah. It wasn't that. Just the whole guilt-and-laziness thing. On reflection it doesn't matter at all. I guess you really haven't lived till you got less than one-third of a grade. But I've figured out the problem. I have a habit of putting everything into perspective and thus not seeing the importance of self-discipline. To quote Mr. Leong: "We are experts at procrastinating!"
So perhaps some stress is a good thing that will kick my Promo-panic into gear. As yet, I fear I am too laid-back.
That aside, it was an amusing day - 4 people meant a tete-a-tete with Miss Tan in Lit. Following, Daniel and I rendered the only members left in Chinese class, were let off a double period, thanks to our absent classmates. So we got cracking on the CWC banner with the other members and had a tussle with thinner, stubborn paint tin lids and accidental stains. I don't ever wanna paint a banner again. But it was fun sitting at the spex gall pretending we knew what we were doing. *Second smug grin*
After guitar I returned thinking... maybe it's time to study. But here I am.

Decided to boot out Donne and replace him with this poignant four-liner by Robert Graves; the sweetest thing I've ever read in a while.
I've been walking my feet off all day, exhaustion is an understatement.
Crayfish pasta + rodeo wings + banana split + kiwi-strawberry Snapple = walking bag of cement.
Did a little shopping, though. Huixin kept frantically adding up her purchases on my calculator I'd brought hoping to do some maths in school before heading to Orchard (riiiiiight). The sweet girl spent it all on presents for other people, but still worries.
Han was satisfied with gaudy new laces.
Got a new pencil-case though I'm still quite sentimentally attached to its nice, roomy, grubby old predecessor.
Stood staring at this uniquely understated prom-style dress with a willow-patterned floral design on pale pink in a shop window. Was jarred back into anti-materialistic reality by the $169 price tag.
It is a graciously wonderful thing to be able to spend a day with friends you no longer see very much, and who still give a flying banana (?) about your life.
Now I need a bath and mental preparation for schooool.
.:ning:.

If YoU OnLy KnEw by .:ning:.
"Taking a chance" has GOT to be the most cliched theme in all of pop-dom, particularly in love songs (how many are not?). So I don't even know why I'm devoting a post to it, anyhow. No. In all seriousness, it's easy to sink into nihilism and believe in nothing, but then, who would you be then?
I used to think I was a pretty cynical person. I usually don't bat an eye at any of my (usually male) classmates' cryptic comments, 'cos I often see plenty of grounds for them. But yesterday, I knew different. Picture listening to an elder sibling's "The World According to Me" at 2am in the morning! Your brains would probably be malfunctioning. But I was still conscious enough to digest what he was saying. And I felt so, so sad for him. To him, love is nothing but a game, and it is pointless to put yourself completely on the line for love, 'cos the person in question will - unfortunately - always be severely flawed. And that it is impossible to believe in something intangible.
I nodded, because I understood to (as always) a certain extent. But there is a giant difference between me and him. I know in my heart that despite all the cynical remarks and punchlines I may take pleasure in, underneath it all there is a belief in love.
Human love will obviously never be perfect. It is selfish and often conniving, but did anyone forget we were created in likeness of something greater? We are dark, complex and screwed-up, but there a still something inside of us that cannot be lost, and that is in the magic of bonds you can't define or draw a diagram for. It can be argued that love is after all a game and giving too much of yourself is, well, equivalent to raising the white flag.
And I will not pretend that losing is not a horrible feeling.
Incidentally, it was a popular deduction that Nietzche created his own theory. So let me sit amidst that and believe in the intangible till it becomes its own creation. I am open to comments...

Frazzled, I am. Am I supposed to SELL MY SOUL to my CCA or something? Unless I'm just "unwilling to commit thyself to anything other than thyself". Maybe self-absorbed is my middle name. Or perhaps I'm allergic to responsibility. But really. I woke up at 8.30 after blissfully ignoring the insistent buzzing of my alarm clock and had to make a mad dash to school to be there by 9, trying to put on my shoes and eat an egg-tart in the car at the same time and getting beaned in the nose with my guitar. Then Troika, The Ash Grove and Fur Elise till 12 and a hectic ex-co meeting till almost 2. The rest of the afternoon and early evening was spent on the guitar notice board I was to have dealt with 39021 weeks ago. (Number exaggeration is my favourite.) Then I turned to my computer to discuss and organise more upcoming CCA events online, straighten out ex-co meeting minutes and update the member list for the 4378th time (there I go again) and I'm still going at it...
Just realised I have once again overlooked the inconsequential matter of schoolwork that lay forgotten during common tests. Maaan. Actually, I am still pretty optimistic about that since it's a fun activity in comparision with studying. Despite the fact that most of the afternoon was left to ripping up guitar scores for a collage, getting gluey fingers and bad-tempered muttering under my breath. I am one irritable (and probably quite irritating) individual. *Pause for consideration as induced by the violent sound of brother conquering China Playstation-style* Yes, indeed, I'm inclined to believe that no matter how compassionate you try to be, you will hurt a person somehow - but that's an inscrutably LOUSY excuse. Now this is something I hope I have the courage to change...
.:ning:.
NB. The author wishes to point out that she does not intend to give the impression that she avoids responsibility. She just has little affinity for it.

Can't see why you're smiling
It ain't epiphany
To reach inside your heart
And find
No reasons to believe

A passing glance, or loads of love
Dishes you no longer serve
Foreign investment, ain't no chastisement
Spinning wheel to swerve and swerve
Regret tasting empty words

Somewhere very fleeting -
I may remember
A little dream - oh concrete
Reality, implications the
Shadow of incomplete
Uncertainty, marred by
Brutal endless ticking...
Dreams infinitely

Yesterday evening was perfect for blogging, but my brother insisted on hogging the computer all night, so deal. *Mutters darkly*
Anyway, common tests are over. *Mad, capering dance of joy* After the History paper my class headed for Orchard along with the rest of the RJ J1 population. (Is S'pore really that small?) Seriously, 1c met 1a, 1b, 1d and 1e at the bus-stop... an unplanned congregation of arts classes, so we scarpered to the MRT instead. Pool - my second time playing, and maybe I'm a teensy bit better, ha who am I kidding, but it was fun anyway. All us girls went like nuts every time anyone got a ball in (which wasn't very often), much to the disgust of the guys *snicker*. Then we headed for Swensen's where I finally got my Chocolate Peanut Buttercup fix (although I had to tell the waitress the flavour about 492 times before she got it). Finally Borders, where there was a general Quest to find a good book, but all came up with empty hands.
It was lovely to go home and flop around being a useless bum. I gabbed on the phone with Huixin who was fretting about her geog exam, swallowed three chapters of the latest HP book (although Gen had accidentally let slip which character died in the end... arrrrgh) and tried a bit of serious guitar practice. I still think I'm gonna screw up at the concert, somehow, but let Confidence be the key.
The world is beautiful today, even if it is raining! Oh, maybe that makes it more beautiful...
.:ning:.

SoLiTuDe by .:ning:.
Today I was walking to the Jelita bus-stop after my Lit paper to get home. Most of the time I don't have to, 'cos I'm a lucky girl with a mum who can pick her up. But she's not in town - so. I like walking. But I have to do it solo since most people I know just head straight for the MRT.
I really don't mind walking alone. It's kind of fun even if I don't get along with me all the time. The day I was headed home after guitar camp carrying my bag and well, B.A.G. (Big Annoying Guitar, obviously) because my dad had entered the hospital all very suddenly and my mum of course had to go with him. I was just coasting along - it was around 7, maybe, so the sun was setting, the weather was very soft and cool with the wind just whistling through the big trees lining the road down Henry Park. Feeling very content just being alive, and wondering how my dysfunctional family always stays together even in times of crisis (don't take dysfunctional too seriously)... and every time alone is a little bit of rehab and time to think.
But today... I just felt lonely. Strange, no? Maybe the air changed.

recommended
Listening to My Kind of Girl... a Brian McKnight song featuring Justin Timberlake... I know Justin Timberlake is kinda screwed up and unpopular with most... that's true and I agree somewhat ;) but his voice really complements Brian McKnight's... Brian has an amazing range... and Justin fills in the gaps with falsettos... sounds like one Justin singing with 4 Brians haha... anyway the lyrics are rather fluffy but the harmony makes up for it... really nice easy-listening one that eases last minute common test blues... so download download download! *screws up cd industry* ;)
Exams finish tomorrow!!! Physics is goooone... I have no clue what Motion in A Circle is... but like I care...
=han=

Here I am. Blogging. Again. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?
Guess I'm just feeling a little uptight - an avoid-thinking-about-what's-hurting-you thing 'cos I have to
a) flounder through the last 8 Donne poems
b) stagger past M4M, Act 5
c) live the Cuban Missile Crisis
d) solve the SEA economic problems, part i),
first. And that's just for today, but wellllll. I don't care. I can do it. Or at least, pretend to have done it. (As accentuated by Donne's Song 63 scrolling across the bottom of my browser at the mo'. I am hypnotised by it. Wow! I can memorise it. Not a bad idea after all...) As a result my eyeballs feel like they are going to fall out and roll across the floor any second now. Owwww. I had my Chinese paper a few hours ago and was dreaming all the way through the zhong he tian cong - snatches of thoughts and wacky ideas - lyrics in Do Angels Sing the Blues? by A.C. LeMieux (Love's a bitter, bitter brew...), how to draw the back of Roger's head (sorry, man, but I had to stare at it for 5 hours in total), needing to replace Huixin's birthday present (a handmade hp keychain that was stolen RIGHT OUT OF my envelope in the mail), and my lousy arrangement of priorities....
I was asleep...
And I woke up, it was time to go home.
.:ning:.